Tea and bitter contemplation.

[togekissed]

The coffee/cafe place on campus has this amazing iced jasmine green tea available for the summer and it's absolutely fabulous and is making me feel a little better. I'm rather sick so I'm not sure how well I'm going to word this post.

I'm just thinking about home a lot. "Home". Where I grew up. Because I'm making plans about going home in a month and transportation and things. And it reminded me of my burning desire to write letters the last time I went there.
I wanted to pop a letter in this one boy's mailbox. He made me an absolute wreck in school. He came to my house to harass me. He generally made me feel like dirt, unsafe, subhuman. I'd walk down the street and he'd see me and treat me horribly. It was like this from grade five til I left the state. I wanted to write a letter about how much he fucked me up and put it in his mailbox.
And then I was thinking about the manipulative abusive asshole who's trying to add me on Facebook again. I thought about how I'd love to just write him a long message about how much he fucked me up too. "You think we're friends? Do you really think that? After everything?" I have a sexual partner now who's absolutely wonderful and I still cry about sex in part because of this guy.
I just want him to know what he did. I want the people who've wronged me and negatively impacted me to know what they did. They go through their lives thinking they're perfectly decent people when in reality they've literally broken me and others in their lives. They might not be the spawn of satan but I want them to at least acknowledge that people are hurting because of their bad decisions and selfish actions.
But then I think about whether they would take it seriously. I have an anxiety disorder and probably wouldn't actually write these letters anyway but if I did would it make any difference? They're selfish people. They're manipulative and they never held any regard for what they were doing to me while they were doing it, I don't know if hearing about it now would change anything. The first guy I mentioned would probably laugh about it because he did so at every attempt I made to get him to leave me alone and the second would probably think I was exaggerating or bitter that we aren't hooking up anymore (I'm definitely not, I've moved on to WAY greener pastures).
I just want to make them feel accountable for the damage they've done but realistically they probably wouldn't take the onus off of me anyway so it doesn't matter.
I'm not actually upset or anything right now, this is just something I think about periodically. Confronting my demons I guess. I want closure and I want them to know they fucked me up so they'll stay away from me but I don't think that would be the outcome.

I'm hoping the service dog helps with this sort of thing- I hope it takes some of the remnants of trauma away or at least helps me compartmentalize them. I'm really excited for that. Just thinking about having a doggie in my life puts me in a better mood.