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togekissed: (Default)
Finn

August 2013

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togekissed: (charlotte eyes)

Sometimes I wonder how much of the service dog thing Flossy really understands
Like she’s smart and I don’t just wonder with Floss I wonder with all service doges but specifically flossy usually
Like she knows to check on me when there’s a change in my breathing or if I sound upset/am crying/am panicked, she knows all the basic obedience stuff, to wait for doors to open, etc
But I wonder what she thinks she’s doing you know
It’s probably dumb but yeah I just like look in her eyes and I can tell she’s a smart girl but if I was a dog and someone made me check on a human all the time I’d be a little confused about why
Like does she realize I’m different from other humans? She seems protective of me and blocks me off from people so she seems to regard me as someone she needs to take care of
And I wonder how much of it is instinct and how much is learned
I think a good deal of her behaviors are instinct because she just started doing them without her trainer telling her to Like checking on me and stuff
And like she wasn’t even intended to help me with my asthma she was meant to only be a psychiatric service dog but she’s taken on that role of her own choice
Dogs man

secrets

Jul. 25th, 2013 12:58 am
togekissed: (dany determined)
 I feel like I come across as really secretive to people 
My best best friend in the world didn't know some things about me until like
Recently
And they're pretty big things
But I don't actively try to hide things from anyone like
I'm ashamed of a lot of things about myself but a lot of times people think I'm doing something bad or wrong and that I'm trying to cover it up that was my dad's assumption with all my queer stuff and mental health issues
I don't try to hide things or lie but it just happens and I think it's out of shame
I haven't told my mom I'm dating Thea yet even though she's said Thea sounds like a nice girl and has figured out that we like each other
And it's not like I'm hiding it because there's something bad about Thea or something bad that  I'm doing it's just
I don't know
I can't explain it I just feel this really strong need to not tell people things and it's not even bad things I've never done anything I honestly feel horrible about I don't do a lot of bad stuff, the worst I've done is smoked weed a couple times and I don't even care about that
I don't know what possesses me to hide things like who I'm dating

 

Also I really miss Thea I want to cuddle with her and Flossy and be all safe feeling and secure like I am around her yeah


togekissed: (aobaren affection)

 I think it really says something about how great Thea is that she said to me that I shouldn't care whether she finds me attractive or not (she says she does but she said even if she didn't that shouldn't matter to me)
I feel like for a long time now people have just been focusing on what they can get from me and not really about who I am as a person or what I feel about myself but yeah
I don't think most people would tell the person they're dating that they should like themself regardless of what they think of them and I really like that
Wow Thea what a great person

Home!

Jul. 13th, 2013 10:13 pm
togekissed: (pretty elric)
 I am really happy to be back. It was a nice day. My dad and little brother are out at a lacrosse tournament so I haven't seen them yet, but that's okay. My dad and I have a rough relationship but I do miss my little brother.
My grandfather picked me up at the airport and met Flossy. He said she's very nice and pretty, and he usually really dislikes dogs kind of indiscriminately. She met my family dog, a huge pitbull named Trakkor, and she got possessive of me and didn't want him snuggling me on the couch but they got along well otherwise.
I'm really sleepy and I have homework to do but I can barely keep my eyes open so I assume that's not happening tonight,,
togekissed: (tav water)

I don't know what's wrong with me today but I can't really deal with anything.
I did some homework which I'm proud of myself for but everything else is really hard.
I'm going home to NY tomorrow and I'm flying which always limits how much stuff I can bring and I was supposed to have moving/storage people come help me today but they never came, they never even called to confirm or anything, so I have to make decisions about what I'm okay with leaving behind and
it's so stupid but it's really hard for me to just
ditch material items
I don't care that much about them as items but I connect them with important things
There are things I got for events, and that I connect certain people and emotions with, that I might have to leave behind and that actually really upsets me a lot
 

togekissed: (supernatural)
Things have been really crazy and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.
School has been kicking my ass. I'm taking classes I actually LIKE but it's still. Really hard for me. 
I'm seriously considering taking time off. I might work at a school nearby and live in a houseshare, helping a disabled person out. I'm nervous about the idea though. But I can't stay in school.
I wish I could just. Go home. Most people who take time off from school don't really seem to have to worry about not going home but I don't have anywhere to go and that really sucks and it's scary. But I'll do what I have to do. I don't think school is working out for me right now.

Flossy

Jun. 16th, 2013 05:02 pm
togekissed: (aobaren affection)
 

A husky/shepherd/boarder collie mix. My service dog. A complete lovable baby girl. She's currently in bed with me, snuggled up against my side while I do homework and stuff. She met my disability specialist today and everyone in the office loved her. She has heterochromia, her other eye is like a brownish amber, which everyone goes nuts over. I also met a girl in the office who's an incoming freshman and told her a bit about service animals. I love spreading info!

It really bothered me though. When I walked her through the student center to get to the disabilities office, there were a lot of incoming freshmen there for orientation. By a lot I mean the crowds were so thick I could barely walk through them. Everyone felt the need to pet Flossy, WITHOUT ASKING, and stood in my way. They got annoyed when I tried to get them away from her by continuing to walk. One orientation leader yelled "You're not allowed to have pets!" But I ignored her and kept going because Flossy IS allowed on campus because she's a service dog, but crowds make me panicky and I didn't want to stop and explain. I talked to my specialist and she said once she has her vest people will be less stupid about her, but that there's like a 50% effectiveness rate with the vests. She's said she's seen service dogs with IDs, vests, harnesses, the whole nine, still get petted without their owners permission by flocks of people. 

It bothers me. I'd never pet anyone's dog without asking, even if they weren't a service dog. What if Flossy was vicious? What if I just don't want you touching my dog? This is part of why I hate orientation, the kids are really obnoxious and feel entitled to everything.


togekissed: (shinji in the fucking robot)
That isn't a compliment. Not to me anyway.
I work really hard for everything I get. Maybe work isn't the right word, but I fight. I have to fight to keep going to the school I'm going to. I've had to fight to be able to get on testosterone and start transitioning. I've been fighting to get my service dog. I've even had to fight with my father to not be removed from music programs (people often tell me they're jealous that I play instruments). I've been fighting to be on medications and ultimately to get better. And the whole fighting thing? It gets hard and tiresome. It's part of why I want to die sometimes.
I shouldn't HAVE to fight for things necessary to my survival or my ability to thrive. It's not like I get everything handed to me. I really, truly understand that it's frustrating to see someone have the things you want but you know what I did to get them? I fought. And it wasn't easy. But you can fight too. I know not everyone has the same financial means I do (I'm hardly rich but my mom is very supportive which includes financial help) but if you try you can find ways to get what you need. My friend is currently paying nothing for his therapy and psychiatry. You can get things you need no matter your financial situation. And when people straight up tell me they're "too lazy" to try but continue to bitch about how lucky I am, then you know what? Any sympathy I had for you gets flushed down the toilet.
Then there are the people who tell me that they're jealous of things I have naturally. Jealous that I pass so well as male, which was a complaint I got even before testosterone- "You're not even on t yet and you look like a guy, so jealous". Jealous of my singing voice or my musical ability. Jealous of how good I am with animals. Jealous that people are attracted to me. I CAN'T CONTROL THOSE THINGS and you guilting me for them by going on about how lucky I am and how jealous you are just makes me feel bad and does nothing for you!!
Ughhhhhhh I don't want to hear it 
I understand being jealous! I really really do! I'm not a naturally very jealous person but it happens! But you don't tell the person you're jealous of that they're so lucky and you're so jealous over and over, especially when you're friends with that person, especially when you know that they've been fighting and struggling to get the things they want and need!
togekissed: (tetsu chinhand)
So I talked to my mom on the phone today and she said that my dad mentioned the other day that he doesn't believe I really have any mental health problems.
Just wanted to put that out there.
I got out of the hospital about two weeks ago and tried to kill myself while I was there and am on four different meds for mental health issues but lo and behold, dad says I don't actually have any problems, so I must not!
It's just really shitty and I wish he'd stop this kind of thing. He never takes any of my problems seriously. I've told him before that I wanted to kill myself and he said to me "why didn't you tell me sooner" and acted like he cared but then tells my mom behind my back that he doesn't ~believe~ in all these mental health problems. I guess he doesn't expect my mom to be honest with me. At least one of my parents respects me.
togekissed: (tav water)

 Wallflowers, Wallflowers
Growin up so high
He had the measles
And never, never died
Call to Finn Tyler's house
He has no relations
He may tick and tack and turn his back
And kiss the congregation

Wallflowers, Wallflowers
Growin up so high...


I just really love folk music. It gives me the most pleasant ache for something I can't describe. It's the sort of ache that makes me go out a sundown and meditate on the hill outside my dorm, the sort of ache that drew me to Wicca as a religion. I can't explain it. But I just wanted to document that feeling that I'm having now because I find it sort of beautiful.
 

togekissed: (paranorman)

 I saw this one on passerine's journal and thought I'd do it because I think I like it better than the other Care and Feeding Memes I've seen and that it's more applicable to me.

  • Mental Health
I was diagnosed with adult ADHD in high school and I've had some docs dispute it but my specialist says she thinks it holds water and that I exhibit most of the symptoms in a very obvious manner just from basic interactions with me. I've also been diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. I have some undiagnosed learning disabilities that my doctors are kind of trying to figure out. I have auditory hallucinations quite frequently but no one can really figure out where they come from. I'm also a trauma survivor and it impacts me a lot.
I'm also transsexual and I know people debate this a lot and I don't entirely think it's mental so much as physical but I know the psychological aspect of dysphoria is a big thing that troubles me. I do however take testosterone and have been on it for nine or ten months now so I pass pretty well as male and the dysphoria has become more manageable. I'm medicated for all of my various psychological disorders and was hospitalized recently for suicidal ideation (and later actions) which was a big push in the right direction and I'm improving every day. The service dog I'm getting is also going to be a psychiatric service dog.
  • Medication and allergies

Like I mentioned, I'm being medicated for my various issues. I'm not currently on anything for my ADHD actually. I was on Strattera for years but went off it recently because it stopped working and because my doctors wanted to see what medicating my other problems would produce without the Strattera in the equation. I'm on Prozac for depression, Klonopin for anxiety and Risperidone for my auditory hallucinations. I'm on testosterone as I said and also have Trazodone for sleep as needed but I don't take it much cause it makes me feel kinda shit in the morning. In terms of physical medications I have asthma so I have an Albuterol inhaler and it is a literal life saver.

Also if service dogs count as medication...

  • Physical health

As mentioned above, I have asthma. It's not too horrible, but dust/pollen/etc and exercise aggravate it (which is unfortunate because I'm very outdoorsy and i like to work out). I also have patella femoral syndrome, my knees are fucked up. I basically have arthritis stemming from the fact that my kneecaps are crooked and rubbed the tissue away so they grind and pop and do weird things. I have prescription braces that kind of hold them in place.

  • Food
I'm a vegetarian. Uh. Yeah. I don't know what else there is to say. I like food. I have some body image issues but I enjoy food. Testosterone did weird stuff to my body so my appetite exploded but I also am able to consume more calories in a day healthily so that's good. I like Asian cuisine a lot and I can be a huge princeling about what I eat. My grandparents like to spoil me with food when I come home and I've had some of the best food in NYC. But I myself am a poor college student so I end up eating a lot of lunchables and veg ramen.
  • Alcohol/Drugs
I like to drink. I shouldn't drink on the meds I'm on right now but I was bad one day and it totally bit me in the ass so I'm not planning to do that again any time soon. One of my best friends is on the same anti psychotic (Risperidone) as me and warned me that drinking makes it less effective so I'm not going to indulge too much, maybe a few drinks here and there but no binge drinking, not that I ever did that much anyway.
I've smoked weed and cigarettes. I'm not a big fan of weed because it reminds me of a certain person I've bitched about before and also it just doesn't do much for me. I like the taste at least. I have to use a vaporizer when I do indulge because asthma. I like cigarettes too much and use them sort of as a coping thing when I'm feeling really fucking low which hasn't happened in a while. I wheeze a lot while smoking cigarettes because of asthma and it's unpleasant so I broke the habit before it even became a habit. I've been good lately.
Also coffee.
  • Relationships/Sexuality
I'm not sure what my sexuality is. I thought I was gay for a while, thought I was straight, thought I was pan, then recently thought I might be asexual because I'm pretty heavily sex repulsed. I've realized that I'm sex repulsed because of bad experiences, not because of my orientation.
  • Birthdays/Holidays

I really don't. I don't know. Because of my father holidays have always been kind of sucky at home. I've always been huge on Halloween but part of that is because I'm pagan (Wiccan, I am not fluffy and I will talk about this sometime, don't laugh at me) and celebrate Samhain. I like to meditate on the holidays I celebrate on my own, the sabbats/esbats. With my family I enjoy decorating for holidays a lot. I don't use any holiday as an excuse to get plastered or anything, I like quiet celebrations and appreciation for the season overall as opposed to just "FUCK YEAH PARTY".

  • Contacting Me
My skype is betterweather. (with the period) and my Steam is krummavísur (no period). I am more often on Steam. I don't tend to add random strangers but if we've talked before and you want to talk more (or play some vidya games with me) there's a good chance I'll add you on at least one of those.

togekissed: (chihiro)
The coffee/cafe place on campus has this amazing iced jasmine green tea available for the summer and it's absolutely fabulous and is making me feel a little better. I'm rather sick so I'm not sure how well I'm going to word this post.

I'm just thinking about home a lot. "Home". Where I grew up. Because I'm making plans about going home in a month and transportation and things. And it reminded me of my burning desire to write letters the last time I went there.
I wanted to pop a letter in this one boy's mailbox. He made me an absolute wreck in school. He came to my house to harass me. He generally made me feel like dirt, unsafe, subhuman. I'd walk down the street and he'd see me and treat me horribly. It was like this from grade five til I left the state. I wanted to write a letter about how much he fucked me up and put it in his mailbox.
And then I was thinking about the manipulative abusive asshole who's trying to add me on Facebook again. I thought about how I'd love to just write him a long message about how much he fucked me up too. "You think we're friends? Do you really think that? After everything?" I have a sexual partner now who's absolutely wonderful and I still cry about sex in part because of this guy.
I just want him to know what he did. I want the people who've wronged me and negatively impacted me to know what they did. They go through their lives thinking they're perfectly decent people when in reality they've literally broken me and others in their lives. They might not be the spawn of satan but I want them to at least acknowledge that people are hurting because of their bad decisions and selfish actions.
But then I think about whether they would take it seriously. I have an anxiety disorder and probably wouldn't actually write these letters anyway but if I did would it make any difference? They're selfish people. They're manipulative and they never held any regard for what they were doing to me while they were doing it, I don't know if hearing about it now would change anything. The first guy I mentioned would probably laugh about it because he did so at every attempt I made to get him to leave me alone and the second would probably think I was exaggerating or bitter that we aren't hooking up anymore (I'm definitely not, I've moved on to WAY greener pastures).
I just want to make them feel accountable for the damage they've done but realistically they probably wouldn't take the onus off of me anyway so it doesn't matter.
I'm not actually upset or anything right now, this is just something I think about periodically. Confronting my demons I guess. I want closure and I want them to know they fucked me up so they'll stay away from me but I don't think that would be the outcome.

I'm hoping the service dog helps with this sort of thing- I hope it takes some of the remnants of trauma away or at least helps me compartmentalize them. I'm really excited for that. Just thinking about having a doggie in my life puts me in a better mood.

Sigh.

Jun. 13th, 2013 02:16 am
togekissed: (dany determined)

 I don't know.
This weekend I'm going to be getting my service dog, hopefully. I mean, I'm going to the rescue to meet all the dogs, and if one jives with me I'm going to get him/her and set up training and stuff. It's super exciting.
But my friend is out of her meds and apparently not doing well according to another friend in our little trio. I'm nervous for her. I wanted her to come meet the dogs with me which probably sounds selfish but she isolates herself when she gets depressed and I don't want to see that happen again.
Also I feel really weird and kind of shitty right now
also a pretty awful ex sexual partner is trying to be my friend on Facebook again
so
I think I should just go to sleep
 

togekissed: (pretty elric)

I have tried so many blogging platforms but this one looks really nice for long form free-writing feelsy life stuff so that's my intent with this journal. 
I really just wanted somewhere aside from Tumblr that I could post like a life-y entry a day and no one would have a problem with it cause that's kind of what sites like this are for.
I don't anticipate this getting a ton of attention but I'll lay out basically the kinds of stuff you'll see on here just in case.

  • Mental health
  • History
  • Fandom things (? maybe, my tumblr is more fandom oriented)
  • Animal/pet things
  • My exploits with my friends
  • A lot of mental health
  • Mental health + animals (I'm getting a mental health service dog)
  • My creative pursuits (mostly guitar/singing and writing)
  • Rants
  • Maybe some social issues though I've kind of drifted from that topic

But yeah I guess I should say a little about myself since I put nothing in my profile
My name is Finn and I'm a nineteen year old college sophomore studying social work (possibly taking on a minor in animal behavior sometime soon). My goal is to work with service animals and the people they help. I volunteer with some places and I take classes year round (so yes I am in classes right now). I like video games, the outdoors, my friends and coffee. I'm pretty easy to please. I take photos of like everything in my life because it's soothing to look back at them when I'm feeling down so you might end up seeing a lot of photos of dogs, rivers, woods, etc on here because that's been my entire life this summer. I don't know what else to say, I guess if you stick around you'll just find stuff out over time.
 


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